De-villainizing the Villain Era
All my life I wanted a villain era. A moment when something snapped and I gave someone anticipating “yes” a big, fat “no”. A day that I let the people-pleasing habits of mine die, and revitalized by putting myself first. Often I decided to jump into my villain era after I was hurt and feeling vulnerable. My ex moved on? Villain era. I got taken advantage of by being “too nice”? Oops, sorry, villain era. When I was starting to reach a breaking point and looking for my next villain-era opportunity, I realized where I had gone wrong. Calling the times when I was trying to learn how to prioritize and value my needs and happiness a villain era, was telling myself that it was wrong to do so and that I was, therefore, a villain.
What’s so threatening about someone true to their emotions and desires? New Girl protagonist Jessica Day famously said, "I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours …. and that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong!" This quote resurfaced on the internet after the release of the Barbie movie which held a much-needed magnifying glass to the female experience of being too much, but never enough. I resonate with Jess from years of never being taken seriously by peers, coworkers, adults, and specifically men because I seemed too nice to be smart; too silly to be serious; and too guarded to be hurt by their prejudices.
I went to school with practically the same people my whole life until I left for college, and even then, there were some familiar faces. This was something I’ve always loved and felt lucky to experience, but it also meant that I’ve had relatively the same notions of myself following me around my whole life. In some ways, I felt that when my emotional needs strayed from what they were once perceived to be, I was coloring outside the lines. However, I realized that the only person who expected certain behavior from me was myself. I told myself it wasn’t acceptable to be outspoken when I didn’t agree or that I had to try to do the “nice” thing instead of in some situations, what could’ve made me happier. I wasn’t entering a villain era by renouncing the pressure other people put on me. I was making myself feel like a bad person for wanting things for myself that I might need. A villain era shouldn’t be demeaning or deprecating, it should be exciting and freeing.
When I moved to Paris for my year of studying abroad in August, I was in a position I’d never experienced before. I didn’t know a single person and nobody knew me. Not only was this a reality check that I would have to dust off my social skills and try to make friends, but I didn’t need to tell myself to act a certain way “because it’s what’s expected of me”. I had to face the fact that I was holding myself back by my own expectations. Taylor Swift really knew what she was talking about when she said, “It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.”
It’s odd to realize that you might not know what you want for yourself or what kind of person you consider yourself to truly be. With so many skewed expectations I had for myself in the past, I felt as if I hadn’t taken the time to learn what kind of person I am, or what kind of person I want to be. What better time to test it out than living alone in Paris, right? I can’t answer that question in one try, but I can take the initiative to get to know myself. I take myself on dates; I share my morning cup of coffee with me, myself, and I; I bought two plants and I even made a few friends. Perhaps one day I will have my villain era but for now, I’m working on my devillainization era.