Kill the Gym
You think you need to lose weight, but you can't say you want to lose weight because that's not self-love, but just saying you ‘want to get healthy’ doesn't include all the dieting and changes to your schedule that it will require. Look at all these fitness influencers who look exceptional; it could be possible for you to look that way, too, if you change your entire life. But it's health that's most important, not looks– just fucking love your body!
I hate the gym. Well, I don’t hate the concept. I usually walk into the gym with a positive attitude, but those thoughts slowly leave my brain the longer I stay. On a good day, I leave refreshed and that I was healthy and achieved something. On a bad day, I'm so stressed because I'm getting exhausted too quickly, and my body is just unable to move in the ways I want it to. It's a battle in my brain where, in the end, there is no clear winner.
When I went to the gym last week, I was having a perfectly average day, yet when I stepped into the gym it just turned sour. Mainly because the second I walked in, I saw a girl who had the body I dreamed of. She was thin and muscular, she was tall, and worst of all, she was a perfect blonde (I'm blonde too, but somehow she's a better blonde). She's everything I wish I was. But in reality, I know nothing about her. I know, realistically, that she has her own issues because everyone has their issues. But I saw her, and I didn’t want it to be, but my gym day had been ruined. I finished my workout quickly, and I began to spiral, with every little detail from the last few weeks getting dredged up. I landed in a circle of complete chaos. Why does this happen? Why do I do these things to myself, and why can't I get myself out of it?
The gym objectively is not a bad place. It’s where people exercise and get healthy; there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's often a purely positive place. But for so many, the gym also includes exhaustion, stress, pain, and, most importantly, anxiety.
During COVID, I was the most physically fit I've been in my life. My dad had a gym in the garage, and I worked out constantly in that little room. I would also go on runs; it was incredibly freeing to go for a run for an hour to leave the house while being trapped inside. Eventually, I stopped going, even though it was right outside; I look fondly back at that time because I didn't have to worry about what other people thought about me working out. No one cared about what I looked like, and there was no pressure to keep working out. I still enjoy running, and I try to go on a walk when I can, but the pressures of working out follow me like a dark cloud just waiting to rain.
It’s also often very different for women to go to the gym than it is for men to go to the gym. The gym for men can be a social setting, working out with your friends and being active. It’s not ridiculous to say that most gyms are designed with men in mind more than women. That’s not to say women aren’t welcome there, but there is a vulnerability for women going to the gym. It is anxiety-inducting to enter a space surrounded by men who seem to move in packs. That’s why women’s hours are a godsend. It’s a space for women just to exercise and feel safe. It’s also important to note that some women can’t work out in spaces with men for religious or cultural reasons. Women’s spaces are so important, especially in places where vulnerability feels constant. For people who don’t identify in the binary, women’s hours can also be a place of no judgment by their peers, regardless of their identity.
Body image and eating habits are also exhibited very differently for men vs women. Female influencers whose platforms focus on health and workouts usually tend to be incredibly slim. For example, who remembers doing Chloe Ting’s workouts during lockdown? Because I do! In contrast, male influences tend to have large muscles, and promote eating lots of carbs to keep up with intense workouts. This can also add to the discomfort of going to the gym when you feel like you don't have the body you wish you had, even though you are following these influencers' techniques. One thing that is sometimes hard to realize when you work out is that everybody's body is so unbelievably different from each other. Our different genes make it so that working out the same way as someone else might not yield the same results. But as hard as it is sometimes to recognize, your body is the only body you have, and treat it with kindness because you, your mind, and your body are all doing their best.
As a college student, I find the gym especially hard to go to when I want to move my body. The gym is usually overcrowded, filled with students trying to balance a healthy workout schedule while also maintaining everything else in their lives. The whole place is honestly drenched in sweat. It can feel super stressful to go to a gym, especially when you don’t know what you are doing. Since my gym anxiety has increased in recent years, I've tried to find alternatives to working out or just moving my body. Everyone has a different reason for working out. So, for me, it changes from wanting to be healthy to just needing to move my body because I've been rotting in my bed all day.
Running has been my new favorite form of working out, not because I actually like running, but because when I'm done, I feel accomplished and refreshed. So first, I will find a route by walking it first. It's easier for me to run when I know the route and to know how much running I'll be doing.
Working out also with friends usually makes working out at the gym more enjoyable. I get to talk to someone while I'm working out, and we get to sit on sweaty mats talking about how exhausted we are. It's nice to know that your most athletic friend gets tired just as soon as you do.
A friend of mine does yoga in the morning in her room before class, and she feels like it starts her day off right, and she at least moves her body before she has to sit in class. My cousin joined an intramural team, and she feels not only is it a great workout, but she's also found it a great way to make new friends who are interested in moving their bodies like you might be, which is always great.