A Different Kind of Toxic Relationship
Dear you,
Why do you do this? I don’t understand you. One second, I think I have you figured out, and then, boom. I don’t. I guess I just move too fast. I get confident and jump the gun. But you don’t give me any hints. You don’t communicate and that’s the problem. Do I feel more satisfied when I figure you out without hints? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love just a nudge in the right direction every now and then.
And you are so inconsistent. One day, you are completely understandable, and the next it’s just emojis and three-letter words out of you. I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to pull away. Why? The validation. I crave your approval. I need to know that I understand you. That I am capable of figuring you out. And yes, sometimes I need help. But when I don’t, I feel on top of the world.
You are a challenge. You are a rollercoaster of emotions. And I love it. I talk to my mom about you every day and she also struggles to understand you. Together, we talk through it and try to figure out your pattern. But you have no pattern. You are an inconsistent jumble.
What do I do? Should I just quit? Give up, walk away? Part of me thinks that maybe that’s what I should do. I should put myself first and say “I’m done.” And sure, it would feel so good in the moment. I would be free. But I know that I’d come crawling back.
I love you. My friends love you. My mom loves you. But it’s clear you are not good for me. You’re not good for anyone.
But I don’t want to give you up. I want to stay and be able to work with you. You just have to give me a little more. This relationship should be 50/50. We both need to make sacrifices and as of now, I feel like I am the only one willing to make sacrifices. I am attentive to you when I am in class, doing homework or just out with friends. And do I get a thank you? No. I get no recognition, no appreciation.
I feel as though I am not asking for much. I just need a little more. I’m frustrated right now, but it’s temporary. I know by tomorrow, I’ll be back to you and your confusing game. I see it as motivation. Your lack of communication just fuels me even more.
And one day, I am going to figure you out with ease. One day I am going to solve the puzzle that you are and I’m going to sit back and read the ‘Perfect’ as I solve you, the NYT Connections game, without breaking a sweat.