Healthy Confrontation
Growing up, I always associated the term confrontation with someone who is angry with their words. For instance, in second grade, when I stole one of my friends' potato chips, she confronted me by calling me a “stupid idiot-butt face.” I was mortified! As I got older, I viewed confrontation as those long, mean, and insulting paragraphs people sent to get their opinion across. I thought confrontation was a method of targeting people aggressively when you did not agree with their actions. My people-pleasing self could never! However, confrontation does not have to be viewed negatively, and can instead be used as a healthy way of expressing your feelings.
As someone who has tried to avoid conflict almost my whole life, I have a lot of regrets. Instead of expressing my emotions, I tended to bottle them up, which hurt me in the long run. I’ve lived the majority of my life wanting to ensure that I am liked by everyone. However, conflict is unavoidable, and you cannot please everyone. There comes a time when one will inevitably disagree with others.
In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, conflict can be constructive. It can also allow you to become more deeply connected with each other. Honesty and transparency are essential so that you can connect and have your needs met. It also allows you to be authentic, mature and in alignment with your beliefs. Holding on to everything can cause resentment.
I’ll give you all an example. Let’s say your partner humbles you and calls his girl best friend prettier than you…this so didn't happen to me, just a random example…okay fine, this did happen to me. Anyway, instead of telling him how I felt, I decided to keep my thoughts and concerns to myself. I was hurt, but I thought if I did express what I was feeling in a healthy manner, my partner was going to leave me. I also feared that our relationship was not going to be the same. In reality, things do change when you set boundaries, but usually in a positive way. In most scenarios, change is aligned with growth, so why do we fear engaging in the process?
When I avoided confrontation, I noticed that this led to feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem and a sense of powerlessness. I learned to be confrontational once I realized my worth. I did so by practicing self-compassion. I recognized that I was human, and focused on the positive aspects of my life. This helped me cultivate a sense of worthiness. I knew that in order to demonstrate respect for myself, I needed to start to engage in healthy, albeit sometimes uncomfortable communication.
Whether this is with friends, family, partners, etc., healthy confrontation is not shouting mean or defensive statements. It is voicing how you feel and exploring ways to solve the issue. In this process, it is equally as important to be able to listen and validate when someone is opening up to you as you are working through it. Holding people accountable, and at the same time following up and working towards positive change is key to forming stronger relationships. As my mother always says, “It is not a power struggle between you and your partner, but rather you and that person aligning together to understand and support each other’s truths.”
Cover image courtesy of Steffi K.