Everything is Awkward.
As I stare at the ceiling on Sunday morning, I cannot help but dread the plane ride ahead of me. I roll out of bed, brush my teeth, wash my face, throw on a warm outfit and head out the door. My mom kisses my cheek and drops me off, leaving me to my own devices at the San Jose Airport.
One Starbucks trip and bathroom break later, I found myself sitting in the 23rd row of the airplane. I drag my headphones over my hair, but before I can even hit play, I am transported back to the conversation I had with my father the night before, and immediately I slap my palm to my forehead.
I have never gotten over anything ever.
As I replay the conversation - me oversharing, him looking at me like I'm speaking a foreign language - I can’t help but have a physical reaction to this embarrassment. As a young woman, I often find myself in situations where nobody seems to know what I’m talking about except for me. And just like that I’m off, replaying every embarrassing moment from age 14 onward.
I relive getting locked out of my friend’s house when I was house-sitting. In a feat of annoyance, I attempted to jump the fence to get in through the back door. The dogs were barking at me. The sprinklers were spraying in my direction every 10 seconds as they made their rounds. I could only make it so far before my phone started buzzing in my back pocket; my friend's mom, of course. As I climb down to answer, I notice the security camera above my head. I had been caught.
A truly horrible moment that genuinely makes me want to curl up into a ball in this airplane seat is a time I boo’d my ex boyfriend at, mind you, a highschool football game, and everyone turned and looked at me. I honestly cannot even finish that story and have to cut myself off there.
I move onto falling off the treadmill at the gym - truly my worst nightmare. Like anyone, I have intrusive thoughts about falling off the treadmill or the treadmill malfunctioning and going in reverse. So, falling onto the treadmill next to me? Truly a nightmare. What made it even worse, were the are you okay?’s and the decent people who tried to help me. As kind as it was, it made the situation so much worse. There should be a law that you cannot ask someone ‘are you okay?’ when they are, very obviously, not okay.
Then I remember my sorority’s preference night of 2024. Preference night of recruitment is an emotional ceremony to celebrate your sisterhood and the women in it. Earlier that day, I had a dry shampoo mishap and my entire head was white with chalk powder. I thought I had sorted it out, until halfway through the ceremony when I realized I had white handprints on my butt from holding my hands behind my back. Luckily, the girl I was with was too sweet to say anything, but that didn't stop me from crying in the mirror later on.
Naturally, I like to think that every awkward moment has a meaning. But some don’t. When my boyfriend’s dog pulled my top down in front of his grandparents? I like to think that that had no meaning. But even if there was no real resolution or miraculous thing that happened at the expense of my dignity, all of these things have made it easier for me to live. How could I experience the good if there was no discomfort?
One of the best things that I have learned as I have grown older is that everything, and I mean everything, is awkward. Not a day goes by where I am not faced with some kind of uncomfortable interaction. It’s not ideal, and my younger self would be mortified to know that the awkwardness of being a teenager sticks around for a while.
But to be honest, it's good.
In order to experience the good we must experience the terrible and painfully awkward. There would never be any good if we did not know how to handle the discomfort. As horrible as your boyfriend's family seeing your bra is, it makes you kind of interesting, right? Kind of different? A bit resilient?
Between my awkward silences, all the times I’ve fallen, and all the times I’ve managed not to, I find myself looking back on my awkward moments and laughing. Some are so painful that I genuinely wince at the thought of them, but others have made me who I am.
I can’t help but laugh to myself at all of the uncomfortable moments I have experienced. Everything in life is awkward. But, at the very least, it gives me something to laugh about on the airplane.